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Learning To Be At Peace With This Experience Of Peace
Hello Dear Readers,
As one grows spiritually in a relationship with God as one understands God, new realities open which the embodied self may find difficult at first to embrace.
Over the course of a lifetime, or lifetimes, a soul learns many lessons. I perceive that all of the lessons we learn embodied are meant to be of Love, yet in God’s Garden, also comes free will and the ability to choose to learn about energies which are separated from Love.
As I continue moving forward in my spiritual awakening process, it is these new feelings associated with the Divine energies of Love which leave me at first, with feelings of self- doubt. Not about the energies, rather, about what I believe about myself in relation to these energies, what I perceive to be true, the energies of self doubt which come forward as a somewhat parallel experience to the emerging energies of Love.
This is happening with my grieving process. I find myself experiencing moments of self-doubt because my experience has not been of deep emotional grieving and crying. Before my Mother passed, yes it was like this.
My experience since my Mother’s passing has been an experience of feeling moments of sadness, tiredness, yes, but overall, I have been feeling peace.
Overall, I feel at peace with my Mother’s passing. I shave hared this again because there is a sense of “should you be feeling peace at this time?”, which comes up in my mind when I acknowledge how my heart is feeling.
At the same time, a similar depth of peaceful feelings cannot be perceived in relation to how she died, or the manner in which Covid dramatically altered hers, mine, and so many peoples realities, keeping us apart, the isolation and suffering. No, those feelings which come up in relation to loving someone who died during a plague, a pandemic, will take time to process. Yet even here, it is not as deep but there is a sense of peace as well as feelings of confusion and helplessness. Sometimes I feel a sense of regret for the experiences suffering of which I witnessed Mother enduring which were nevertheless, beyond my control to stop. I could be with her (by phone) as she experienced and shared of her suffering yet, not in person.
What I speak of in regards to feeling a sense of peace, it is the feeling within me when I think of Mother in the moment. I feel a connection, an eternal at one with Oneness with her. She is not here and she is not gone. Our relationship is just different in ways that are new to my mind yet not my heart.
I feel a sense of peace with how we grew a future together in the healing of our hearts and our sharing love before her passing.
Feeling a sense of peace in this form, in relation to death, is something new for my consciousness to fully comprehend. The fact that it can be possible, the fact that it is actually happening. In my moments of self doubt I ask myself, “Am I in shock? Is there something wrong with me for being at peace with Mother’s death? Why do I question my self for feeling at peace with death?”
Yes, Dear Readers, this is a learning experience, how to be at peace with this experience of peace.
Anchored with compassion for the millions who have lost their beloveds, may you too, in time, find your sense of peace.
with love,
Johanna
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