A personal revelation of my spiritual journey healing inner pain:
I have known pain. Intimately. For years.
My pain was an inner pain, unseen by most, with me day and night, wherever I went my inner pain was with me.
As a teen, the pain became so great that it turned into protective anger. Smart remarks, back-talking, angry diatribes, angry melt-downs,running away, wanting to die, all fed by the unseen inner pain I carried. As the years went by, the pain left me feeling isolated, lonely, unloved, unseen, unheard, diminished, and feeling unworthy. I did not know who I was beyond the pain I felt.
On the outside I seemed like a person who was a lot of fun. Often the fun was fueled by alcohol. So much so that alcohol became a daily crutch to push away the pain, and create the false reality of being the life of the party. Eventually, the daily doses of happiness in a bottle brought out the pain, now in a form of deep depressions and melancholies. Still, I pursued the dream of a pain free life through happy adventures, I travelled and met new people, married, but the old pain was still there, a wound weeping deep in my heart.
Eventually the pain turned into a desire to finally bring an end to the pain. I did not know how to be in the world, how to fit in, all I knew in my secret hours and dark nights, was a crippling inner pain, which I could not stop. I tried to stop the pain, and in the end, could not follow through. The years moved forward, my seeking to eliminate the pain, bringing in the end, more sadness, a sense of brokenness, and inner despair.
Eventually my body could not handle the alcohol any more, and at a young age, I sobered up. Now, here I was in my late 20's sober and alone with the pain, which was now raw and oozing depression. Even still, I did all that I could to stay sober, and read (it was the birth of the self-help movement at the time), books on spirituality and healing inner pain. I did inventories of all aspects of my life, I did affirmations, I did cleansing rituals, prayers, mantra's, followed instructions I found in books for a bliss filled happy life, and the pain, a deep wound within my heart, was still there. Nothing seemed to heal my heart. How about another marriage? Nope, that did not work. How about more twelve step meetings, more helping others in pain? Nope, the wound within my heart would not heal.
In the 1990's I met a woman who introduced me to my spiritual Teacher, whom I now call my Beloved, Julie. When I first met Julie, she frightened me because she could see my pain. The very thing I had been longing for most of my life, for my pain to be seen, frightened me. I would come to see Julie on weekends, and then disappear, lost again in the pain I was familiar with, frightened of a future without the pain I so longed to let go of.
A few years later I moved to the area where Beloved Julie lived and began to see her more, and to actively participate in Gatherings and other sacred events. I began to learn of the Purification Process.
Then something amazing happened, the pain got worse. My suffering became more acute. My life fell apart. Everything i thought I knew about spirituality became useless. I found myself experiencing years of facing that which I had longed to heal and avoided at all costs, my deep inner pain - my heart's wounds.
These events also occurred during a time when the energies of separation were more deeply entrenched and empowered than they are today which seemed in retrospect to magnify the pain. For those entering the Purification Process now, the advent of Light is intensifying the frequencies of healing in ways never before seen or experienced, a blessing which I can appreciate.
In time, as I went through, endured, prayed, and lived the Purification Process my life began changing, subtly at first.
My first experiences of healing, came through my relationship with Beloved Julie. Julie taught me about love. She was the most loving, compassionate, firm in boundaries, immensely spiritual, and wisest person I had ever known. She taught me how to love myself, and in turn how to love others. She embodied love, I hungrily learned all I could from her about love. Julie taught me to trust again. She taught me how to trust myself, she taught me how to trust God as I understand God, she taught me how to trust in my soul, to trust in the inner guidance which came through me, and eventually to trust in life - however it presented itself. Julie guided me on how to heal my fraught relationship with my Mother, of whom I now have a mutually loving, sweet, and tender relationship with.
The Purification Process helped me to stop the pain of the wounds of my heart. Not through ending my life, not through numbing myself, not through pretending to be something I was not. The Purification Process peeled back and revealed, all the layers of pain which was preventing my heart from healing, which was causing the wounds in my heart to never close. The Purification Process helped me to find the truth of who I am, an ongoing process to be sure. The Purification Process taught me about energies, and consciousness, and the soul. The Purification Process helps me daily in remembering who I am, not by forgetting, but through remembering and giving thanks for the healing(s) which have come forth. Most of all, the Purification Process has stopped the pain. For this I will be eternally grateful.
with love, JohannaIf you wish to know more about the Purification Process:FROM LIGHT TO LIGHTThe Purification Process by Julie of Light Omegahttp://lightomega.org/From-Light-to-Light.htmlPATHWAYS OF LIGHThttp://lightomega.org/PathwaysofLight.htmlList of All Light Omega Resources:Teachings, Videos, Podcasts and more.Light Omega Site Indexhttp://lightomega.org/Site-Index.html
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