Notes From Retreat
The first time I consciously registered how energies could physically impact someone who is energetically sensitive/empathic was in the early 90's when I was invited to come an be with a special group of beautiful souls who would sit with my Spiritual Teacher, Beloved Julie on a Friday night.
During the time we spent together, I became aware of one person in particular who seemed to be having an increasingly difficult time. I watched how Beloved Julie brought this person to sit closer to her, holding and stroking their hand. As the group ended and we were leaving, the person who was having the difficult time was crying, as I was the last person to leave, I closed the door gently, hearing their weeping and then a loud cry of anguish and my name.
In that moment I realized how my unconscious/un-purified energies were affecting another who was energetically sensitive and how painful that experience could be. As I listened to the anguished cries of this beloved soul, I made a silent vow to myself to be as aware as I could of my energies and how they could impact those around me. Little did I know in those moments that in the next 20 years, as my physically based six senses awakened, that one day I would be the energetically sensitive empath crying out in anguish from the energies I was taking in from all around me.
I use the terms energetically sensitive and empath, and empathic interchangeably, and together at times, for these terms both help me to define my experiences with awakening in regards to vibrational phenomena, frequencies/energies and the six senses of my embodied human form.
SInce I was a child, I have been vaguely aware of my empathic gifts. For reasons unknown to my rational mind, as a soul I chose to be born to a loving family who had no idea of how to be with me. As such, I was conditioned, (unsuccessfully), to 'be like others', 'get married', 'fit in', "stop being like this - stop doing that", "what you believe is not true", etc. My gifts were invalidated, and my sense of wonder and intuitive knowing was buried. As my hormones erupted, my energetic sensitivities were off the charts, yet at that time I had no language for the experience. At home, I became embroiled with my authoritarian surroundings, deeply depressed, deeply fatigued, argumentative, belligerent and angry. At school I was abused and bullied. I was beaten by a gang in grade school. In high school I was bullied and tormented daily by popular football team members who lined up in the halls to verbally mock me and a group of girls who liked to slam my body into lockers as they passed me in the halls. One day I walked out of my classroom and was sucker punched in the head by one of the girls. My immediate shocked reaction was to punch back. When we ended up in the Principal's office she told the Principal that the reason she had punched me, and her friends had bullied me, was because they could not stand the way I smiled all the time. Oh the irony...
When the pain of not 'fitting in' my family became unbearable, I left home. For the next 10 years I found my spirituality in a bottle of spirits - alcohol. On the outside, I seemed to be one of the happiest people you might have ever met. I was adventurous, artistic, exciting, and fun. I travelled, met lot's of people and had awesome experiences. I finally found validation with my family when I decided to get married which in the end, was no reason to marry at all. (I would continue to make this same mistake two more times before waking up to the fact that marriage was not a path to security, fitting in, nor inner peace.) During these years I worked as a waitress and a bartender so every day was a party. Inside, I was still the very lonely little girl repressing her gifts, repressing her true self, confused, angry and sad, prone to daily drinking, and generally a mess internally.
In 1987, ten years after the party began, it ended abruptly with my first awakening. In 1992, my spiritual awakening as I know it today, began when I met the most wondrous soul, so beautiful and radiant that she frightened me, this beautiful being first introduced me to Julie Redstone and the Light Omega community.
From the moment I met Julie and the Light Omega community, my life - no matter the horrors or hardships I endured - has been one of loving grace. For the first time in my life, after searching America coast to coast, I found the family of my soul. I was blessed, and continue to be blessed, by a Spiritual Teacher who teaches and practices a way of life lived in the Light of God, expressed from the heart as purity, truth, and love. I was surrounded then, as I am today, by a spiritual community of the most loving, kind, generous, compassionate, and supportive souls that my heart has ever known. I can truthfully share with you Dear Readers that this has been my heart's experience since 1992.
As I learned about the Purification Process and my purification accelerated, my long repressed gifts of vision, empathy, and energetic sensitivity began to more fully open to the Light. My sense of of love and all that is holy burst opened, even as my wounded human heart lagged along. Life was an ongoing paradox - I was a wanderer and at times, obsessively lonely, yet I was surrounded by loving and kind souls who welcomed me and shared their lives with me generously. I longed to share my gifts with others yet I was continually in a state of collapse, pain and fatigue. I longed to be loving and gentle, yet inside all the energies moving through me which I could feel locking into my emotional chakras were those of anger, rage, frustration, pain, despair, and agony.
You may be wondering Dear Readers at this point, why I am sharing a few aspects of my spiritual journey of awakening with you.
Reasons which come to my mind are:
1. My heart, surrendered to the will of my soul, compels me to do so.
2. I have a longing in my heart, which seeks to share what the experience of being energetically sensitive/empathic can be like, with the Teachings of Julie as a platform of holding the experiences in sacred context, with other awakening souls who are energetically sensitive or empathic (or both).
3. To support, through the sharing of my journey, souls like myself who struggle with letting go of their ego's sense of reality/identity and their souls longing to shine forth and be free. Especially those who have been or are being bullied, keep true to who you are.
4. It is time to share more of who I am and my work.
5. To express my views that my experiences of energetic sensitivity and of a life strived to live in holiness are not a screen for others to project ideals of what they perceive to be a holy life onto - nor is my, at times, outwardly messy and always evolving in the Light human life, a vehicle for others who read of my journey to judge me by.
One could rightly call me a holy fool and I would be glad to be called one. For there is little my mind knows, many mistakes I have made and continue to make, and yet, and yet, the Holy - all that is Holy - causes my heart to sing with joy, whilst others may look on seeing only the fool. I am, by the Grace of God and all that is Holy, an imperfect vehicle carrying within my heart, a perfect message of Love and Redemption.
In upcoming postings Dear Readers, I will be sharing the energetic experiences I have had with the awakening of my embodied six senses. It is my hope that those who are like myself, energetically sensitive or empathic, can find solace and comfort knowing there is nothing 'wrong' with them, quite the opposite - they are Awakening - every nerve, cell, fiber, tissue, and strand of DNA is vibrating to the power of the Awakening Light.
Yahoo! All Praises Be. It's time to wake up everyone!
with an abiding love, Johanna
A Very Special Addendum:
One of the many blessings that I have received as a result of my participation in the Purification Process has been the healing of my relationship with my Mother. The experience of loving relationship, which I had always dreamed of in my heart, has come true over the last few years with my Mother thanks to Beloved Julie's guidance and Teachings. Words such as cherish, respect, love, and even "I am sorry", flow freely between us. The gift of healing aspects of my past and my heart through the Purification Process, is found in the devotion and honor I feel and express for my Mother for who she is as a soul and for her love. I treasure my Mother as a friend of my heart and soul and I thank my Beloved Julie for her love, patience, guidance and Teachings which opened a once closed door in my heart.
Last edited by Johanna on Sat Feb 21, 2015 1:00 am, edited 2 times in total.
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