Hello dear readers,
I would like to share with you what is going on concerning my last post on Falling and Rising - The Abyss. Most especially, for those of you on a similar path as mine, so that you may witness, that no matter how deep my pain and no matter how far I fall in my feeble attempts in containing the pain I feel, that my faith is still very intact.
Beloved Julie has written this new Teaching on Pain, OUR RELATIONSHIP TO PAIN and I hope, in sharing what I am going through, with this Teaching as the foundation for containing my pain as I write, that others who come here in pain, may too, find Sacred Truths to uphold them on their journey's home."...All of life is a teacher, including the painful portions that are outside of us and the painful portions that are inside. We learn from all of it. It is in this light and in this trust that we lay down our arms in our fight with our own pain, and instead enter the realm of prayer and of unity with the Divine within us in order to realize from every aspect of our embodied experience, what we are meant to feel and what we are meant to learn." It is deeply painful for me to be embodied and alive.
There it is. I have said these words for all to see and hear.
It is painful to be alive.
It is painful to be embodied.
It is painful to have a heart so very full of love, and not be able to express this love in relationships with other beings, whether it be other embodied souls or with the animal kingdom.
I have no energy to express my love. I am depleted. I have no energy to take care of a loving animal or animals. I barely have enough energy in the course of a day to express my love to other embodied souls around me, let alone take care of myself - loving myself and nurturing my sacred temple - my body with compassion. "...It is part of being human to wish to not experience pain. All embodied creatures instinctively draw away from that which is painful and toward that which creates greater ease, peace, and harmony. When pain is experienced, the human heart cries out for it to stop. It cries out for relief, comfort, and the freedom of a non-painful state. Yet despite our wishes, pain is an intimate part of the experience of being alive for most people. It exists on the level of the body, the mind, the heart, and the soul. It exists when we would least like it to be there. It exists and is most frequently felt by us to be an obstacle to further growth, an interference with our plans and intentions, and an indicator that we are not yet whole, that we are in need of healing."
The pain I experience embodied comes from many sources. The most significant is being energetically sensitive to so many energies around me, often of suffering, and at the same time not feeling the Presence of God within me. This pain is the most disabling pain of all. Being embodied and feeling the aching soul pain of not feeling connected to God, ALL OF THE TIME.
My experiences of feeling the Presence of God seem somehow, fleeting. There are times, which you have read about if you have been following my postings, which indeed, the energy, love and light is present and I can feel these energies, I can feel God with me, and with these experiences, comes the desire to share these very same energies. These are indeed, very Blessed moments in my life."...There are states in which pain need not be felt as painful, meditative states, transcendent states in which the ego is no longer the predominant focus of consciousness and consciousness can therefore detach itself from the body and from embodied perception in order to roam freely within the spiritual universe. However, these states are rare, and rarer still the ability to access them. Nevertheless, there is another way in which to relate to pain other than and alongside the wish that it no longer be present. This is the way of the soul, the way of the Divine heart within the human heart that lets us know that pain can be part of a growing picture of emerging wholeness. It can be a teacher, and most importantly, it can be a pathway into greater light." Mostly, though, in truth dear readers, I feel pain. The pain of separation from God, the pain of separation from my soul, the pain of separation from my very own light and the pain of trying to move through each day as energies pour into my body and I struggle to exist."...How pain becomes a pathway is a mystery, for to most it feels like anything but a pathway. It feels for most of us like an interference, an unwanted intruder, a violator of our most cherished wishes. Pain as a pathway is created by our willingness to experience its truth, by holding it in the light of God, and by asking to learn from the experience. What we are here to learn from pain is always positive. It is never a punishment. It is always the soul's choice, made at a different level of consciousness and at a different time, to accept the significant pains of life as teaching tools, and to interact with them in order to grow. When this acceptance has been rejected by us for one lifetime or for many, the pain we would rather not face then builds up both within our unconscious minds and within our bodies, and remains dormant there in a non-active state until such time as we are ready to experience it. Within the unconscious, it may occasionally be felt in an inarticulate way as a source of unknown distress. Within the body, it can give rise to symptoms of unknown origin, to chronic conditions, to diseases of various kinds, in a word - it manifests not as the original pain but as the result of the original pain plus its suppression." On this journey of healing through the Purification Process I have gone through many embodied experiences of pain where my ego did feel in someway I was being punished. Through years of Beloved Julie's compassion and guidance, I no longer have such thoughts.
Now, in these times, my ego now punishes me, through the energies of blame.
I blame myself for not being able to:
- do more in expressing light and my love to others around me. Instead I feel irritable, exhausted and agitated.
- be more spiritual, no matter how much darkness I am taking in or experiencing. I feel in some way I have failed horribly each time I express darkness I am meant to contain.
- handle the pain of being embodied with more spiritual gravitas and holiness. My body feels so broken, my nerves are shattered, the energies I take in now take over my whole body and I feel as if I can no longer bear the pain. I grope with ways of now numbing myself as I am so depleted and each energy which enters my body debilitates me greatly in all aspects of my being.
- I blame myself for the separation I feel from God. I do not blame God. I blame myself and feel very lost here on this planet. I feel I have lost my way as I am covered with energies so dense, so disabling that I cannot feel my self-soul or God and in my aloneness, I feel it is my fault.
"...Our relationship with pain need not be joyful, but it can be loving and accepting. It need not obliterate our desire that the pain come to an end, but it can be part of our prayer that, simultaneously, what is of Divine purpose be fulfilled within us. Simultaneously, not either or. Once we become able to not hide from ourselves, to treat ourselves compassionately and with forgiveness, and to hold our pain within the light and intention of the Divine which is always good, we give to ourselves the maximum possibility for releasing the pain and its original source, and for awakening to the message that it is bringing to us. When we are in a fight with our pain, this cannot happen, for our energy is then directed against experiencing pain, rather than toward integrating and enfolding it. We do not have control over when the pain we experience will come to an end as we engage with the process of purification. We cannot say, "I will do this and it will be over." Instead, we do what we can to modify or ameliorate the pain so that it becomes more bearable, while at the same time allowing God's work to do what is needed so that we can become one unified consciousness with no parts of ourselves missing. This trust and willingness to abandon control, even while making ourselves as comfortable as we can so that we can tolerate the pain, allows healing to take place in the way that it needs to - for some quickly, for many in a slow and steady arc of gradual learning. Our egos may resist this way of relating to pain. Our deeper hearts embrace it because it represents and is in harmony with the truth of our being." My core soul pain dear readers, comes from being embodied and the perception of feeling separated from God's love and my own holiness.
It seems the more I have tried over the years to heal this core soul pain, the more levels of sufferation I unveil within myself. I feel farther away from my holiness now, than in all the twenty some years I have been on the Path of Purification.
This may not be evident in my writings, or the energies you may feel when reading my postings dear readers, yet deep within my soul, I feel farther away from my holiness and I can't explain how this has happened.
I have lost the strength to bear - endure, the energies of suffering and pain. I have lost the strength to be "with" others who are suffering, and I have lost my way in being the loving embodied soul God created - consistently - in ALL my daily actions and deed.
This soul pain is so very great. Where I am at in this moment, I have been many times, in a myriad of ways, and in my pain, I feel that instead of growing and BEING all the blessed Teachings I have learned at the foot of my Beloved Teacher, I am still failing God in my continual falling into the abyss of suffering.
I am aware that the pain I have been in recently is coloring energetically portions of what I am sharing. AND it is important that you see dear readers, the levels of my suffering, so that you may know, when the healing does occur, and it will, where I have come from.
"...Such trust and surrender is an essential part of the process of 'purification,' something that all embodied souls are going through at this time. This process dictates by the force of light itself that what was hidden shall be unveiled, and what was kept in darkness, inaccessible to light, shall be brought back to the light.
Thus, in addition to the reasons for accepting and embracing our own pain that have to do with growth and wholeness, there is the additional reason of needing to cooperate with a process that is already underway within our own bodies, hearts, and minds as the Earth transforms into greater light. For as the Earth transforms, so, too, do all physical bodies that are upon the Earth and part of her one body. In this sense, the transition to facing ourselves and what has been deeply hidden is inescapable. It is part of the time we are in and the purposes of this time. It is what all embodied souls are doing and it is why each of us has come to be here during this time." What has been hidden which is being unveiled within me:
- That of my 'self' - I am nothing. Without God, my abilities to express love and to share the healing Light of God can at times, become ego based.
- That my core soul pain is the very separation that as a soul I chose to experience by becoming embodied.
-That I can no longer cope with the amount of suffering and pain my body takes in and I look for ways in which to manage the pain, to numb the pain that at times causes me to feel as if I would collapse and disappear altogether.
-That I feel embodied - even though this is not the truth of what is - very alone. "…Often, help is not felt, and yet those beings who guide each embodied soul and the Divine within each of us is always finding ways of uplifting the one who is suffering so that what feels unbearable can be borne. This may not be available to the consciousness of the one so encumbered, yet it is always true, for the angels and guides who walk with humanity in all situations are always present, even unto great suffering and tragedy, even unto death." This is my spiritual journey.
These experiences I share with you are my pathways home.
This is an unveiling of what is in need of healing.
May other embodied souls in pain find solace and comfort and their way through their pain.
Amen.
with love, Johanna"Pain as a pathway is created by our willingness to experience its truth, by holding it in the light of God, and by asking to learn from the experience. When these goals are pursued, pain becomes a pathway of light."
Note: I have quoted this Teaching not in the order in which it was written, rather as I was sharing from my heart, I would read the Teaching once again and post the portion of the Teaching - Our Relationship to Pain - that resonated with that which I had just written to support and surround my experience with the energies of Truth, Light and Hope.
Read this Teaching in its Entirety:OUR RELATIONSHIP TO PAINhttp://lightomega.org/Ind/Pure/Our-Relationship-to-Pain.html
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